There’s a million people to do something with. But there’s no one to do nothing with…
- How do I choose between vulva assault or butthole assault when choosing how to distribute my weight on my bike seat?
- How do I get from the bike lane to the left turn lane?
- How do I not swerve all the time?
- Am I the sweatiest anyone has ever been?
- Is this the slimiest sunscreen anyone has ever worn?
- How do I keep my feet on the pedals?
- What part of my foot should be on the pedals?
Day 4 of bike riding: Rode to work this morning. It was cool and overcast but I was still pretty gross and sweaty when I got to work. I brought a big bag of toiletries and tried my best to freshen up while changing clothes. I walked my bike past the freeway on/offramps because I didn’t feel safe riding past them. I think my butt ate my bike seat. Also, the 2nd most sore part of my body is definitely my wrists and forearms from the death grip I’ve got on the handles. Today was my first day with the basket on the handlebars which did affect my steering but I made it to work in one piece!
Just saw Adam Scott and I usually don’t bug celebrities out in the real world, but I had to walk up to him and say, “Hey I know you’re with your family but, are you talkin’ U2 to me?” He chuckled and said, “You’re one of … dozens.” I expressed my gratitude for the best podcast in the history of recorded media (not my exact words at the time) and let him be. I can’t think of a better celebrity encounter I’ve had or could have. I can’t believe that after years of swooning over his performances in Party Down and Parks and Recreation, the only thing I could think to talk to him was his limited-run podcast about U2.
"This is good, uh, rock ‘n roll music."
Day 3 of bike riding. I was practicing again on the sidewalk and alley around my block, and managed the turns better than yesterday. I don’t know WHY, but I decided to try riding in the bike lane on the street. I went around a few quiet side streets, practiced riding downhill to a stop sign, and realized I’m barely strong enough to manage the small hills in my neighborhood.
The next thing I knew, I was riding the over-2-mile route to my parents’ house. I made it! I stopped in for a water bottle, and then rode back home. My entire buttcrotch region feels like it was whacked with a mallet, and I’m covered in sweat. I was only honked at once (how do you get from the bike lane on the far right to the left-turn lane?), but a lot of people did have to get around me because I was so slow. Like my efforts to run, it was tough to breathe dusty air (I live near stables) and pedestrians’ cigarette smoke, but it was definitely easier than trying to run.
I’m surprised I made it a whole 4+ miles! Maybe I’ll be ready to ride to work tomorrow? I’ll have to pack a sink-showering kit so I can attempt to look & smell like a human in my office. Good thing I work at a zoo so I won’t be the stinkiest being there.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between an objective reality and a subjective reality since I doubled my antidepressant dosage. It seems like my thoughts are just the same, but I sort of don’t ‘feel’ them as much. The same kind of happened when I first when on antidepressants last year. I still think all the same things, but I’m not stuck crying on the floor anymore; I can get out of the house and go to work.
I watched Austenland the other day and it made me pretty sad because Bret McKenzie’s handsome face reminded me of my ex, as pretty much any feeling of attraction or arousal does, and then later that day my dad told me to cheer up because I wouldn’t stop moping. I couldn’t cry or scream, but I guess I can’t really smile or laugh either.
I feel like life just is when I’m on antidepressants. Yeah, the earth will keep turning, and I’ll keep being sad, and eventually I’ll die. In the meantime I can go to work and watch more TV and wait for today to turn into tomorrow. It’s pretty tiring.
Day 2 of trying to ride a bike:
- Shins and calves covered in purple bruises. How do you keep your feet from coming off the pedals?
- Falling hasn’t been that bad, I’ve mostly fallen onto the sidewalk-adjacent grassy areas, but I’m sure my new bike is getting scratched up
- Some garbage monster(s) never clean up their dogs’ shit and there are at least a dozen piles of feces on my block alone. I’m thinking of putting signs near each one reading “This is ILLEGAL and UNACCEPTABLE” because it makes me want to puke
- My vulva hurts pretty bad but not as bad as trying to take a spin class because I try to take a break every few minutes
- I don’t know how to start pedaling without swerving the handlebars from side-to-side. Any tips?
- It’s tough exercise! I’m glad for the workout this will provide.
- My wrists are sooo sore. I could barely move my hands when I woke up this morning
- I’ve been able to make a counterclockwise U-turn in the dead end in the alley behind my building a few times, but the corner at the end of my block has eluded me every time I’ve tried to turn left on it. I’ve succeeded at the right turn a few times, though.
- I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel safe riding on the actual street (I’ve been on the sidewalk or in an alley), even though basically my whole commute has cyclist-heavy bike lanes.
Image of THE SMITH FAMILY BUTTON -