How do people write and perform songs about heartbreak? Could you possibly have the energy to do so if you were actually being wrung out by the agony of it? I keep thinking how people say that “it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all,” and I wonder what psychotropic drug they’re on. The best thing that could have ever happened to me would have been for me to never have fallen in love. Ever. Not even for the first time. I might have spent the rest of my life hoping for it, but at least I would be able to breathe, sleep, or sit still without the constant pain of knowing what I’m missing.
thinking and feeling and breathing are the WORST THINGS
If I accept that no one would ever be interested in me and destroy the last shred of me that wishes someone would be, maybe I will finally start working out again because I will actually start wanting to be fit for my own sake instead of because of some unattainable goal of being attractive.
I’m so angry that I have to keep doing this.
i used to be funny
and when i laughed, i laughed with my eyes
now my developing crow’s feet just make it look like i’m always cringing
and i am
and make it difficult to put on eyeliner
i used to have a firm, flat stomach
and maybe i will again
but maybe not
i’m not sure i care about that anymore?
i used to think i was going to do great things
but i’m not
so many memories
take some time to be truly astounded by how much you hate yourself, to the point where you want to throw up until there is nothing left of you
1. Take the path of least resistance
2. Eventually, you will be older than you were when it happened
3. One day, something else will kill you instead
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Is it possible to feel anything other than this?
Maybe if I were blind, I wouldn’t have to see men of a certain build on television or in public and be reminded of the magical feeling of throwing my arms around your shoulders for a kiss.
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